


In these frozen and silent nights

by thegirl20



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22020628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirl20/pseuds/thegirl20
Summary: A few moments from the festive period.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 79
Kudos: 268





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows the Christmas lights switch-on.

They wander around for a little bit after the big switch-on, with Moses keeping up a running commentary on the lights and what he thinks of them. The ones above the pub door are his favourites, he tells them, and he likes all the red ones, but he's not too keen on white ones because they're 'boring'. Charity leaves them discussing the relative merits of the lights shaped like Christmas trees and returns with a mug and a mince pie.

"You looked cold," she tells Vanessa, pressing the mug of mulled wine into her hands. "Get that down you." She holds out the pie for Moses. "Here, you, a treat before tea. Don't tell Johnny."

He takes it with a grin, letting go of Vanessa's hand for the first time since they arrived so that he can negotiate the foil holder. Charity takes over, her fingers slipping between Vanessa's; they're freezing.

" _I_ look cold?" Vanessa shakes her head. "At least I'm dressed for the weather!" She sets her wine down on a nearby table, pulling Charity closer with their joined hands. She whips her hat off and Charity's eyes grow wide.

"Ness, no, don't you d-"

She plonks the hat on Charity's head, pulling it down over her ears and arranging it around her hair. All the while she ignores the glare Charity's sending her. Stepping back, she admires her work with a nod. "There. Gorgeous."

Charity rolls her eyes. "Well, obviously." She tugs the hat a little further back on her head, lifting her eyebrows. "First time you've put clothes _on_ me this week."

Picking her wine back up, Vanessa bumps her arm against Charity's as they start walking again. Charity's arm links with her own and she bites her lip, guilt and the acid in the wine burn at the back of her throat. So many people have used Charity's body in the past, and now she's gone and let her think that's all she was good for. The thought of it makes her feel sick. "Charity...I'm sorry that I, you know, used you like that. I never meant to-"

"Don't be daft," Charity tells her, squeezing her arm. "Wasn't exactly complaining, was I?"

"No, I know, but-" Vanessa stops walking, waiting until Charity turns to look at her. "I never wanted to be one of the people who've-"

She's cut off when Charity's lips press softly against her own. Briefly she considers pushing Charity away and pressing on with her apology, but then Charity's hand comes to frame her face and the other lands on her waist, pulling her in and she lets her body melt. When the kiss ends, Charity stays close, her lips moving against Vanessa's cheek as she speaks.

"Not everything has to be about my dark and sordid past, Ness. It's not the same, okay? Not even close." She pulls back a little and looks into Vanessa's eyes. She gives her a little smile. "You needing to feel good for a bit is not the same as-" She presses her lips together and shakes her head. "I'm happy that being with me makes you feel good, because being with you makes me feel good." She tilts her head. "And it's not like I've been drawing the short straw, babe." She leans in close and bumps her nose against Vanessa's. "It's been pretty spectacular for both of us, I'd say."

Warmth rushes to Vanessa's cheeks, and it's not from the mulled wine. She ducks her head and presses her face into Charity's shoulder. "It has. It always is." She lifts her head and meets Charity's eyes. "But if you _ever_ feel, even just a _little_ bit, that I'm taking adv-"

"You'll be the first to know," Charity assures her with a grin and a peck to her lips.

Moses bumps against her legs and she looks down and laughs when she sees crumbs around his mouth and a currant stuck to his cheek. "Seen all the lights, then?" she asks.

"Mmmhmm." He yawns. "Can we go home now?"

"It's not exactly Blackpool Illuminations, is it?" Charity says, looking up and wrinkling her nose as Vanessa's phone beeps in her pocket. She sets her empty cup down and pulls it out, reading the text from Tracy and smiling.

"Johnny's woken up from his nap." She widens her eyes at Moses. "And he's grumpy as anything!"

"Like mummy," Moses says, with a nod.

"Oi!" Charity frowns as she looks between them. "Is this something the two of you discuss regularly?"

"He's just an observant child," Vanessa tells her, taking Moses' hand and winking at him. "Let's nip over and get Johnny, eh? And then we can all go home and have tea."

Moses runs ahead of them to Tug Ghyll and pounds on the door because he's not quite worked out the slightly fiddly handle yet. Tracy opens the door as they're heading up the path and Moses zips by her into the living room. She rolls her eyes at them, but her attention is caught by something and she breaks out in a grin.

"Nice hat," she says to Charity as she steps back to let them in.

Charity narrows her eyes. "Shut it, you. I'm wearing it under duress."

"The two of you are ridiculous, she looks beautiful," Vanessa says with a roll of her eyes. "Right, Master Woodfield, home time."

"It's too _far_ ," Johnny whines, throwing his hands up, as if he's just been asked to trek to the arctic.

"Fine. You can just stay here with Auntie Tracy, then."

Vanessa knows he won't agree to that. That week he spent here when her and Charity had split up he spent constantly asking to go home. He gets up on his knees on the couch, shaking his head at her with wide eyes.

"I wanna go home, but my legs is too tired to walk."

"What if I carry you, then?" Charity asks, sweeping past Vanessa and sitting down beside him on the couch. He immediately leans against her and nods his head.

"Charity," Vanessa sighs. "You shouldn't pander to-"

"But it's so _far_ , Vanessa," Charity says, hefting him onto her hip and tugging her coat around him. "Right. Home for tea."

Vanessa can't bring herself to complain about the arrangement. Not when Johnny wraps his arms around Charity's neck and smiles for the first time since they came in. He looks so safe and warm and it fills Vanessa's heart up with love for both of them. Moses hand slips into hers and she looks down at him.

"I don't need a carry, Ness." He leans in as if sharing a secret. "It's not really far."

She laughs and presses a kiss to his still sticky cheek. "No, you're right, it's not. Johnny's just taking the mick."

They follow Charity and Johnny out the door, Tracy shoving Johnny's jacket into Vanessa's hand as she passes and bidding them all goodnight. They hurry to catch up with the other two. Johnny's pointing at the various lights, looking far more alert than he had inside. Charity's eyes are sparkling as she talks to him about the different colours. Vanessa comes to stand beside them, slipping her hand under Charity's elbow and all four of them look up at the lights.

Christmas _will_ still be great, because she'll be spending it with her family.

Shifting her focus just beyond the Christmas lights to the stars in the clear sky, she smiles and hopes her dad can see it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows the Vets' Christmas night out.

Charity's phone buzzes on the arm of the sofa and she glances over at it, glad of the reprieve from the season's dozenth or so viewing of Shrek the Halls. Johnny's got his head on a cushion in her lap, with Moses leaning against her other side. She's surprised to see Vanessa's name on the screen; she's out with the vets for their Christmas do.

"Hey babe, you alright?" Moses frowns at her for talking over the film and she crosses her eyes at him. "Bit early for a drunken phonecall to tell me how much you miss me, innit?"

"I only did that once! And only because Rhona'd had me on the tequila." Vanessa's indignant huff is loud in her ear. "Anyway, yeah, I'm fine. Everything okay at your end?"

"Oh yeah, excitement central over here." Charity smiles. "I've had to step out the back so I can hear you over all the music and debauchery."

Vanessa laughs softly in her ear. "Right. So-" She draws the word out long enough to make Charity's smile wider. "-I don't, like, need to come home? No domestic emergencies? You don't need me for anything?"

"Well, I never said _that_ ," Charity drawls. "I can think of a couple of uses for you just off the top of my head." She runs her fingers through Johnny's hair, unable to see his face, but fairly sure he's fallen asleep from the rhythm of his breathing. "Why are you looking for excuses to come home?"

Another rush of air comes through the phone, but it's a sigh this time. When she speaks, her voice is quieter than it had been. "It's just not that much fun, really. Everyone's trying to be upbeat, but nobody's really feeling it. And if there's one thing I really don't want to do right now, it's fake the Christmas spirit."

This isn't surprising, given Vanessa's grudging admission of not looking forward to Christmas this year because of her dad. Charity nods, even though Vanessa can't see her. "Well, I'd never encourage you to fake anything, babe." She hopes that at least raised a little smile. "Just come home."

"I can't," Vanessa says, although Charity can hear that she's already considering it. "I can't just _leave_."

"You can do anything you want to, Ness," Charity says. "And nobody's gonna blame you for ditching a bunch of boring vets to come home to me, are they? I mean, there's no comparison."

Vanessa clicks her tongue. "Well, what would I tell them?"

Charity rolls her eyes; Vanessa's a useless liar, so there's no point in giving her some elaborate tale to weave for them. She goes for something simple and believable. "Just tell them the kids are out and we've got the house to ourselves. Let them figure the rest out on their own."

"Hmmm. That could work." Vanessa pauses. "So...is it true?"

The hope in Vanessa's voice makes Charity tingle and she laughs loud enough to get another reproachful look from Moses. "Well, the big kids are out, so it's nearly true."

"Close enough. Right, I'll see you soon."

"See you soon, babe." Charity smiles as she ends the call and tosses her phone onto the coffee table. She settles back and wraps an arm around Moses. "Ness is coming home."

He sighs. "Will the two of you be talkin' over Shrek?"

She scrunches up her nose at him. "You've seen it a billion times, babe. You know all the words. You can say them along with the characters."

"I still like to hear it," he says, eyes still glued to the screen.

Just at that the front door opens and Charity tips her head back, smiling when she sees who it is. "Blimey, you didn't hang about."

Vanessa grins at her from the door, getting out of her boots. "Yeah, well, like I said, nobody was having much fun." She comes over, smiling when she sees Johnny fast asleep. Moses cranes his neck to see past her and she snatches him up and sits down, plopping him onto her lap and wrapping her arms around his waist when he leans back against her. Her head falls onto Charity's shoulder and she lets out a sigh.

"Better?" Charity murmurs.

"So much better," Vanessa confirms, her hand finding Charity's and squeezing. Charity smiles.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after they leave the hospital on Christmas Eve.

It's cold when they get outside. Hospitals are good at making you forget what day it is and somehow Charity'd managed to forget they were at the arse end of December. She shivers, wrapping her arms around herself and rubbing them. Something lands over her shoulders and she looks down. She smiles.

"Yellow's not really my colour, babe," she says, as Vanessa smooths the jacket down.

"It's either that or you'll be turning blue," Vanessa says, a hand at her back to propel her forward. "Because I have _literally_ no idea where we left the car yesterday."

Charity surveys the car park and realises she's in the same situation; she has no recollection of the journey to the hospital, their arrival or anything until she crashed through the doors and demanded to speak to someone. She turns to find Vanessa frowning and shaking her head at the sea of cars.

"Thank you," she blurts out, looking down when Vanessa turns to her in surprise.

"What for?"

She shrugs. "Dunno. Being there for me. Again." She rolls her eyes and tries to ignore the fact that they're burning. "Yet another crisis, eh?"

Vanessa's arm snakes around her waist, beneath the jacket. "Well, you know me. Crisis junkie." A gentle hand lifts her chin so their eyes meet and Vanessa smiles at her. "I love you, _and_ Noah. Where else would I be, eh?"

The spiky, damaged part of Charity whose first instinct is always to lash out _nearly_ says that she might be at Tug Ghyll, ignoring text messages. But she bites her lip to keep it inside. Her face must give something away, though, because Vanessa's lip trembles.

"I know I wasn't there when-"

"That was _my_ fault," Charity says. "Not yours. You're here now."

Vanessa nods and sniffs, squeezing Charity's waist. "C'mon, we better find this car or the little'uns will be in bed before we get home."

Their hands slide together easily as they walk around the car-park, with Vanessa clicking the lock on her keys every few steps to see if any lights flash. They track down the car parked at a weird angle in a space over by the entrance. If anything, it's even _colder_ in the car than outside and they sit for a couple of minutes, blowing on their hands and waiting for the light covering of frost on the windscreen to melt.

Once they're on their way, Charity lets her eyes close. She never got a wink of sleep the previous night and the adrenaline brought on by worry has started to dissipate, leaving her bone weary. A warm hand squeezes her knee and she covers it with her own.

"I know you're tired," Vanessa says. "But I think it'll be worse if you fall asleep in here and then need to get woken up again when we get home." She glances over and gives Charity a smile. "Just hang off a few more minutes and you can fall asleep in bed."

Charity snorts, twisting in her seat so she's curled on her side as much as she can. "Not much chance of that, is there? We've got to do all the Santa gubbins when we get in."

"Me and Tracy will sort it all," Vanessa tells her, looking both ways at a junction. "You're shattered."

Frowning, Charity stretches and covers a yawn with her hand. "So are you," she mumbles. "I'm fine. I'm not leaving it all to you."

Vanessa pats her hand. "Let's just see what we're faced with when we get in, eh?" she suggests.

They pull into a space at the back of Jacob's Fold and she follows Vanessa up the path to the backdoor, stumbling a little on the uneven ground through sheer exhaustion. Vanessa pauses as she passes the kitchen window and then steps to the side, beckoning to Charity with her head. Charity leans her chin on Vanessa's shoulder to get a glimpse of what she's gesturing at. Tears spring to her eyes when she spots Johnny and Moses, decked out in matching Christmas pyjamas, stood on chairs at the counter, pouring out a glass of milk for Santa. There's a plate with a mince pie and a carrot set out. Tracy's standing behind them, her hands hovering by their backs to make sure they're not going to fall.

Charity slides her arms around Vanessa's waist, hugging her tightly, and presses her lips together to keep from crying. This is what Christmas is about. This is the kind of Christmas she should have given Noah, and instead he's lying in a hospital bed because she couldn't be bothered to buy him a Christmas jumper or take him to Leeds for overpriced German sausages and hot chocolates. She presses her face into Vanessa's shoulder and Vanessa's hand comes up to her cheek, her head resting against Charity's.

"C'mon," Vanessa whispers. "Let's get inside. You need a cuddle from them two."

Sniffing, Charity wipes at her face and nods. "Yeah. I think I could do with one."

Vanessa opens the back door and three heads spin at the noise. Moses and Johnny break out in huge grins and jump down from their perches, running to them with exclamations of ' _Mummy_!' and ' _Ness_!' and ' _Charity_!'.

Charity bends down and gathers the pair of them against her, holding them close and drinking in the clean, familiar smell of them. Over their shoulders she watches Tracy hug Vanessa and exchange a few words with her about Sarah being in her room. The boys let go of her and move over to give Vanessa the same treatment, letting Charity stand up on wobbly legs.

Tracy approaches and Charity braces herself for the inevitable sympathy and enquiry about Noah's health. It doesn't come. Instead, Tracy just gathers her into her arms and holds her close. And it's somehow exactly what Charity needs. While she and Tracy have had their differences, she's always felt a kind of kinship with the younger woman. And she's always felt supported by her and tried to offer that same support in return. And, without really noticing, Tracy's become her family.

They part and Tracy offers her a smile. "I'm so glad he's okay," she says, keeping her voice low so the boys don't hear. "You must be so relieved."

Charity blows out a long, slow breath and nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I am." She looks down when there's a tug on her hand to find Moses smiling up at her. "What is it, babes?"

"Me and Johnny and Tracy hanged up the stockings for Santa! Come and see!" She allows herself to be pulled into the living room where there are four stockings hung from the mantelpiece, each with a different initial. Vanessa had ordered them off the internet, and had scoffed when Sarah and Noah insisted they were too old for stockings. Charity walks over and runs her fingers over the fur trimmed on the stocking with the 'N' on it. Tears spring to her eyes again and she fights them away.

He's alive. He's okay. They'll all be spending the day together tomorrow.

She clears her throat, still facing away from the boys. "They're lovely, Moz. You and Johnny did a really good job."

" _And_ Tracy," Moses corrects.

"Right boys," Tracy says from behind her. "I told you you could wait up till your mums got home and then it was time for bed, yeah? We don't want Santa looking in the windows and seeing you're still up, do we?"

The twin gasps of horror from the boys make her smile and she blinks away her tears before turning around in time to see them run to Vanessa for a goodnight kiss. She bends and accepts her own kisses and hugs when it's her turn, whispering that she loves them. Tracy herds them towards the stairs with promises of a nice Christmas story before they have to go to sleep.

Vanessa comes over to stand beside her. Her eyes are heavy and there are dark circles underneath them, but she's smiling. Charity sighs and wraps an arm around her shoulder.

"I hope we've got Tracy a good present," she says. "She's been a proper godsend."

" _We've_ got her a very nice handbag," Vanessa tells her, amusement clear in her voice. "And yeah, she has been." She sags against Charity for a second before straightening her shoulders. "Right, you get off to bed. I'll sort what needs sorting here and then follow you up."

"No." Pressing a kiss to Vanessa's hair, Charity shakes her head. "I'm gonna stick on some Christmas music, and you're gonna go and pour three glasses of wine and we're gonna sit down here for half an hour and relax. And _then_ we'll do what needs doing, together." She tilts her head. "Or we can see if we can bribe Tracy to do it."

Vanessa laughs softly and looks up at her. "Deal."

Sighing, Charity rests her forehead on Vanessa's. "What's it that song says? Next year all our troubles will be out of sight? D'you think that's true?"

"We've got kids, Charity. Our troubles will never be out of sight," Vanessa tells her with a smile. "But hopefully next year will be a bit less stressful, eh? And we'll have everybody under one roof, happy and healthy."

Charity nods and closes her eyes, pulling Vanessa into a hug.

"Next year, babe."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the boys are in bed on Christmas Eve.

Despite being the one to suggest a glass of wine and a natter to wind down, Charity quickly finds her eyelids growing heavy. The warmth of the room and the wine aren't helping, but she tries valiantly to keep her eyes open and contribute to Vanessa and Tracy's conversation about what the kids had been up to all evening.

It's only when Vanessa eases the wine glass out of her hand that she realises her eyes have closed. She opens them and blinks at Vanessa's affectionate smile.

"I wasn't sleeping."

"Course you weren't." Vanessa puts both glasses on the coffee table and then kisses her cheek. "Just resting your eyes, eh?"

"Mmmhmm." She stretches and lets her body fall against Vanessa. "Right, what needs doing?"

"Nothing much," Tracy says, collecting the glasses and taking them over to the sink to wash up. "Just filling the stockings, really. If you'd been staying at the hospital again I'd have had a rummage round in your bedroom for the presents, but I didn't like to until it was absolutely necessary."

"You're a better woman than I am," Charity says, forcing herself to stand and stretching her back out. "I'd have been right in there having a nose around. Bottom drawer on Vanessa's side of the bed might've given you a shock, right enough."

"Charity!" Vanessa backhands her thigh, glaring up at her from the couch.

Tracy just laughs. "I'm not that easy to shock, me." She comes back over, wiping her hands on a dishtowel and smirking. "And anyway, I used to live with her. You think I haven't seen what's in that drawer?"

"Tracy! Oh my God, when did y-" Vanessa stops talking and gets up, shaking her head. "Never mind. I don't want to know." She heads for the stairs. "Right, if one of you gives me a hand to bring the stuff down, we can get this done and then get off to bed."

"I'll help you, V," Tracy says, winking over her shoulder at Charity. "If I let the two of you go upstairs unsupervised, who knows when you'll reappear?"

Charity laughs softly. "We're both too knackered for any of that tonight, kid."

"Yeah," Tracy calls back. "I'll believe that when I see it."

Charity busies herself with clearing a space for the scooters they've bought Moses and Johnny and trying not to think of her boy lying all alone in the hospital with no gifts to open in the morning. Soon enough, there's a shuffling noise on the stairs and then a very loud ' _Ow_!'.

"Shhhh!" Vanessa hushes. "You'll wake 'em up and then we'll never get them back to bed."

"Don't 'sshhhh' me! That scooter's just after swinging around and breaking my ankle!" Charity bites her lip at Tracy's distressed whisper.

"Just keep moving or I'm gonna drop all this stuff."

Charity heads to the foot of the stairs and smirks as Tracy limps down and hands off two scooters to her before hobbling over to lean against the counter and rub at her ankle. Vanessa rolls her eyes and shoves past Charity, staggering under the weight of multiple carrier bags filled with wrapped presents. Charity sets the scooters down near the tree and adjusts the huge bows they've both got tied to the handlebars.

"Right then," Vanessa says, standing in a pool of presents. "Everything's labelled. So if we just put the stuff that fits into the stockings, we can leave the rest in neat piles." She opens up a couple of large gift bags. "Noah's can go in here so we can take them with us tomorrow."

As she moves over to the mantelpiece, Charity looks around in wonder at all the neatly wrapped gifts. While she'd been there for the buying of most of them, she hadn't wrapped a single thing. Picking up a couple of the parcels she reads the labels - _To Moses from Santa x_

"Had a bunch of little elves in, have we?" she asks, slipping the presents into Moses' stocking. She lifts her eyebrows at Vanessa. "When did you find the time to do all this?"

Vanessa shrugs as she works through a pile of parcels far more quickly and efficiently than Charity. "Well, it kept me occupied on nights you were working." She glances at Charity with a little smile. "It helped me feel a little bit more Christmassy. You know, after I stopped-"

"Jumping my bones every chance you got?" Charity puts in, feeling an oddly shaped parcel addressed to Johnny, trying to decide what it is.

"-trying to distract myself," Vanessa corrects, taking the parcel out of her hands and shoving it in the correct stocking.

Tracy comes over to join them, still favouring one leg. Charity exchanges an eyeroll with Vanessa at her dramatics. "What's the verdict? Broken?"

"No," Tracy admits, reluctantly. "But I'm gonna have a bruise." She glares at the shiny scooters. "Bloody lethal them things are."

They finish off setting out the parcels, with Vanessa making final rearrangements to the piles Charity and Tracy have made. They leave the appropriate bite marks and crumbs on the plate left out for Santa, with Tracy gulping down a good amount of the milk and scrunching up her nose.

"Tried to convince 'em that Santa liked prosecco, but they weren't having any of it," she complains, setting the glass back down.

"Right. We've a big day ahead tomorrow." Vanessa says, nudging them both towards the stairs. "Bed. Now. I'm gonna switch off all the lights."

"Bossy little thing, i'n't she?" Tracy comments to Charity as they trudge up the stairs.

"Oh, you've got no idea," Charity says, smothering a yawn.

"Thanks for tonight, Trace," Vanessa says, catch up with them, sliding her hands onto Charity's hips. "Well, for the last few days, really. I don't know what we'd have done without you."

Tracy pauses in the doorway to Faith's old room and smiles. "We're family. It's what we do." She shrugs. "And you've both been there for me when I needed it."

Charity nods, pushing away thoughts of her own family and all the times they've not been there for her. All the years she was, literally, out in the cold with nobody to care about her. She smiles at Tracy. She's got a family now. One of her own making that's got nothing to do with the Dingles and their codes and conditional loyalty. She drapes an arm around Vanessa's shoulders and tugs her close, giving Tracy a wink. "Na'night, kid. Best get to sleep before Santa comes, eh?"

Tracy rolls her eyes. "I'm definitely on the naughty list this year." She closes the door halfway. "And going by the contents of that drawer, so are the two of you. Night!" The door shuts before either of them can respond.

"Cheeky beggar," Vanessa murmurs as they head into their bedroom.

They change into their pyjamas and brush their teeth side by side, finally slipping into bed. Charity's bones sing in relief. She shuffles across the bed until she's pressed against Vanessa's back with an arm tight around her waist.

"Thought you'd want me to be the big spoon tonight," Vanessa comments, shifting so that they fit together as snugly as possible.

She'd thought she would too, if she's honest. But there's something about having the solid weight of Vanessa in her arms that's reassuring after so much uncertainty. Vanessa's there and real and safe and if she can hold onto her, maybe she's not as useless as she feels.

"S'fine," she mumbles into Vanessa's shoulder.

"Okay," Vanessa whispers, covering the arm on her waist with her own. "I love you."

"Love you too," Charity says, pressing a kiss where her lips rest. "Go to sleep, babe. Santa's on his way."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The early hours of Christmas morning.

Charity wakes with her heart pounding in her ears and her breath coming fast. Unsure of what has woken her, she quickly takes stock of her surroundings to decide if she's in any kind of danger. She's at home, in bed, and Vanessa's lying beside her. She listens out for any sound of distress from anywhere else in the house, but everything is quiet.

And then it comes back to her. She'd been dreaming about Noah. She'd gone into his room and shaken him to get up for school but he'd been cold and unmoving. And when she'd pulled back the covers, his eyes were open and fixed. She squeezes her eyes closed and shakes her head, trying to get rid of the image.

She pictures him as he was when they left him in the hospital; his colour coming back and a smile on his face. He's alive and he's getting better. They'll go and see him tomorrow and she'll make him wear a daft Christmas hat and play stupid Christmas games.

And when he gets out she'll be a better mum. She'll pay more attention to him. She'll listen when he wants to talk and she'll take him places he wants to go. She'll make a fuss on his birthday and she'll buy him a naff jumper for every day of next December.

Reaching out, she tilts her phone until it lights up and she can see the time. Just past four o'clock. It's far too early to get up, but she's not going to be able to get back to sleep now without the image of Noah's unresponsive body creeping back in. Slowly, so as not to disturb Vanessa, she sits up and lifts the covers, getting out of bed with as little fuss as possible. Vanessa shifts, her arm moving to where Charity had been a second ago, but she settles back down and Charity pulls the duvet further up around her shoulders. She leans down and drops a quick kiss on her head before moving silently out of the bedroom.

Once in the hall, she turns on a lamp to prevent herself from banging into things. As she's walking past the boys' room, she hesitates. There's really no need to check on them. They've made no noise to indicate there's anything wrong. And opening the door will only risk waking them far too early on Christmas morning. And still she finds herself opening the door a tiny crack, letting in just enough light to let her see them. Moses is sprawled across his bed like a starfish. His arms are above his head and one hand still clutches the elephant blanket he's mostly given up during the day. She watches the rapid rise and fall of his chest and feels a little better. Shifting her attention to Johnny, she finds another kettle of fish. He's on his side, curled into a tiny ball with his knees pulled up to his chest. He's snoring gently.

They're both fine. They're just as they should be. And, for no good reason, Charity finds herself terrified that if she closes the door, something might happen that would change that. That if she looks away for just a minute, something might go terribly wrong. The thought paralyzes her, her fingers tightening on the door handle as she tries to move. Soft footsteps pad up behind her.

"Charity?" Vanessa whispers. "What is it? Are the boys okay?"

She manages a quick jerk of her head in response. Vanessa's hand strokes up and down the arm that's gripping the doorhandle, looking over her shoulder. She must be able to feel the tension, must know something's not quite right.

"C'mon," she urges, both hands moving to Charity's biceps. "Let's leave these two for a bit longer, eh?"

"Can't, babe," Charity grits out. "I-" She clenches her teeth. "I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?" Vanessa asks, her thumbs now working on Charity's shoulders. There's no derision in her voice. She's not making out that Charity's stupid to be scared in her own house in the early hours of Christmas morning.

"I'm scared of them not being okay." Charity lifts her eyes to the ceiling and shakes her head. "I had a dream. Noah was-" She swallows. "He was-"

"Noah's fine," Vanessa tells her, wrapping her arms around Charity's waist now, rubbing her belly. "Noah's absolutely fine. We saw him, didn't we? And these two are fine. And Sarah's fine. They're all safe, Charity. They're all okay."

Nodding, Charity presses her lips together and closes her eyes. "Yeah. They're okay."

"Come on," Vanessa says, tugging gently at her waist. "Close the door and come and talk to me some more. I'll make us a brew."

With one last look at both boys, Charity eases the door shut and turns in Vanessa's arms. She's immediately pulled into a tight hug, her face falling easily to the crook of Vanessa's neck. Vanessa rubs a strong hand up and down her back as Charity clutches at her pyjamas.

"What if nobody'd found him, Ness? What if he'd- he'd-"

"Oi," Vanessa whispers, swaying her from side to side. "There's no point in thinking about what ifs, is there? All it'll do is drive you crazy. He did get found. He got the treatment he needed and he's doing absolutely brilliantly." Vanessa pulls back and cups her face with one hand. "He's alive. He's on the mend. And he'll be back home with us soon, yeah? Arguing with Sarah and teasing Moses and Johnny."

Charity lets out a watery laugh and nods. "Yeah. Driving us to distraction, as usual."

"Exactly," Vanessa's eyes shine in the lamplight. "Look, I know it was terrifying to see him the way he was." Something flickers over Vanessa's face; an echo of the grief she wore for months after Frank died. It makes Charity pull her closer. "But there's no point in dwelling on it now. All we can do is keep going, all of us together."

"Yeah, I know." She sniffs. "Sorry, I just had-"

"Don't say sorry!" Vanessa says. "Don't ever say sorry for how you're feeling." She urges Charity's head down so their foreheads are pressed together. "D'you want that brew?"

Charity thinks about the offer and shakes her head. "No. Let's go back to bed for a bit. No doubt we'll have a couple of little visitors before long." She slips her arm over Vanessa's shoulders as they move back towards their room. "Although, if one of them's Tracy, she's not getting in bed with us."

Vanessa laughs softly and closes their bedroom door, leaning back against it and looking at Charity in that way she has that makes Charity feel, for the first time in her life, like someone actually _sees_ her. She tilts her head, reaching for Charity's hands and squeezing them. "Are you okay?"

It's a question that's never asked, nor answered, lightly, so Charity gives it the consideration it deserves. She inhales deeply and squeezes Vanessa's hands. "Getting there, babe. I think, when we're back at the hospital and I can see him, I'll be alright."

Her honest answer is met with a smile and a nod of understanding. "Good. Me too," Vanessa confides. She stifles a yawn and nods over Charity's shoulder. "Come on, then. Bed."

Charity trails behind Vanessa, both of them clamber into bed from Charity's side and Vanessa flicks off the lamp she must've put on when she'd woken up. They settle back in, trying to find the still warm parts of the sheets. Vanessa's cold feet end up pressed against Charity's shins, and she doesn't even protest. The horrible images of earlier in the night have now been replaced by brighter, happier ones of the future that's stretching out in front of them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Evening, after they get home from the hospital.

Having given the living room a quick tidy round, not that it's made that much difference, Vanessa heads upstairs to join Charity in saying goodnight to the boys. She notes that Sarah's bedroom door is slightly ajar, and she knocks gently before sticking her head in. Sarah looks up from her phone, with that flare of panic Vanessa's noticed recently. She lifts her eyebrows.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. Fine." Sarah puts the phone face down on her bed and stands, shoving her hands in her back pockets.

"You were a bit quiet today," Vanessa notes. "I mean, I know between our Tracy and your gran, there's not much room for anyone else to get a word in but-"

"I'm fine," Sarah insists. She shrugs. "Just tired." Vanessa goes to ask another question but Sarah preempts it. "And not _sick_ tired, just tired. You know, with everything that's been going on."

"Yeah, course." Vanessa nods. She can certainly relate to that. "Did you speak to your mum?"

For the first time in the conversation, Sarah's face loses some of its tension and she smiles. "I Facetimed her and Jack a little while ago." She rolls her eyes. "Jack told me every detail about some action figures he'd got."

"Awww, it's sweet when they're that excited though, eh?" Vanessa leans against the doorframe and crosses her arms. "How was your mum?" It irks her a bit that Debbie hasn't come down to see Noah or support Charity. She's had people up and down to Scotland every other week to help her out, but there's no sign of her when her brother's in such a bad way they weren't even sure he was going to make it?

"She's okay. A bit soppy because I wasn't up there with them," Sarah says. "Oh, and she was asking after Noah. I told her he was doing better."

Vanessa offers her a tight smile. "So, are you coming downstairs? We can stick a film on or something?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna have an early night if that's okay?" Sarah gives a very unconvincing yawn.

There's something going on with Sarah, Vanessa's sure of it. But with everything else they've got on their plate right now, it'll need to wait. She doesn't have the energy to have a conversation about it right now. "Course it is. You get some sleep. See you in the morning."

She closes Sarah's door softly and continues on to the boys' room, where she finds Charity seated on the floor between their beds, talking in hushed tones about the things that had happened throughout the day.

"-an' then the doctor gave us a go on his telescope!" Johnny's telling her.

"S'not a telescope," Moses tells him, his voice slow with drowsiness. "S'a stefascope."

"Stef-" Johnny begins, his brow creasing.

"Steth-" Charity says, waiting for him to echo her. "-o-" And again. "-scope." She grins. "Stethoscope!"

"Stesofope!" Johnny announces at the back of her and Vanessa covers her mouth to stop from laughing.

"Close enough, Johnnykins," Charity whispers, winking at Vanessa. "You know Mummy's got a stethoscope, yeah?"

Moses sits up, his eyes wide. "Have you, Ness?"

"I have got a stethoscope, yeah," she confirms. "I can probably find an old one at the surgery that I can bring home for you both to play with, if you like?"

Her suggestion is met with an enthusiastic response from the boys, and a nose wrinkle from Charity.

"Make sure you disinfect it first, eh babe?" Charity struggles to her feet. "And you might've suggested giving them old veterinary equipment _before_ we spen-" Her eyes go wide. "Uh, I mean, before _Santa_ brought them all those presents!"

"This is just an extra little present," Vanessa says, rolling her eyes. "Right boys, we've all had a long day, and it's bedtime now."

She's surprised to get no protest from either of the boys; they must genuinely be exhausted. She moves further into the room, tugging Johnny's covers up and tucking them around him while Charity tickles Moses and plants kisses all over his face. She sits on Johnny's bed and smiles at him, sweeping his hair off his forehead.

"Have you had a good day, love?" she asks, keeping her voice soft.

"Mmhmm. It was fun," Johnny says. "I liked the presents that Santa left an' goin' to see Noah an' eatin' all the chocolates."

"Good." She leans down and presses a kiss to his cheek, closing her eyes and savouring the moment. She won't get too many more Christmases where he'll be little enough to believe in Santa. Soon enough, him and Moses will be the same as Sarah; holed up in their rooms on their phones instead of scooting around the living room and causing chaos. They need to enjoy these years while they last.

A hand squeezes her shoulder and she looks up at Charity who tilts her head. "Swap over?"

With a smile and a nod and a final kiss for Johnny, they manoeuvre round each other and she sits on Moses' bed. He blinks up at her sleepily. "Did you have a good Christmas day?" she whispers, rubbing the top of his ear.

"Yeah. It was ace," he says. He widens his eyes, like he's struggling to stay awake, and she laughs softly, bending to kiss his cheek.

"Na'night, darling," she tells him. "Sleep tight, and tomorrow, if it's a nice day, we'll go a walk with your scooters, yeah?"

"Yeah," he agrees, his eyes drifting shut. "An' then you can get the stefoscope."

"Not getting out of that one, then?" Charity murmurs from behind her.

She stands up and they head out of the room, leaving the little nightlight on the cabinet, with the door slightly open. Charity stretches out her shoulders and turns to her, lifting an eyebrow.

"So? Me and you? Glass of wine? Crap Christmas telly? How about it?"

"Oh, go on then," Vanessa says, allowing herself to be led down the stairs. She's surprised that Charity didn't just suggest going straight to bed, because they're both probably more exhausted than even the little ones.

Charity goes to the kitchen to get the wine and Vanessa hovers by the Christmas tree, rubbing her palms on her jeans and rolling her eyes at herself. She's being ridiculous. Charity comes over with two glasses of red, eyeing her curiously.

"I thought we might, you know, watch telly while sitting down, babe?" She lifts both eyebrows and nods to the couch. "Mad notion, I know."

"Yeah, we will, but-" Her tongue sticks to the top of her mouth and she takes one of the glasses from Charity, swallowing a generous glug before putting it on the table. As an afterthought, she takes the other glass and puts it beside it, before taking both of Charity's hands in hers.

"Ness?" Charity's eyes are full of concern. "You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Vanessa tries to flash her a confident smile, but it's only half successful and seems to freak Charity out more, so she rushes to explain. "I've got something to tell you." Wrong choice of words as she immediately sees fear flash in Charity's eyes. "No, it's-" She catches herself and shakes her head. "You know how we agreed we'd spend fifty quid on each other this year because Christmas is about the kids?" Charity nods, still wary. They'd exchanged gifts that morning; she'd got Charity shoes and some other bits and pieces, and Charity had given her a lovely jumper and some perfume. Vanessa bites her lip. "Well, I went a _teeny_ bit over that budget."

"Eh?" Charity frowns. "I mean, the shoes were gorgeous, babe, but I-"

"D'you notice anything extra on the tree since this morning?" Vanessa asks, keen to get through this now she's started; she's never been one for big speeches.

Narrowing her eyes, Charity turns to the Christmas tree. "Well, I saw Moses wellying a Chocolate Orange across the room like a shot put earlier, so I suppose it might've ended up-" She stops talking when her eyes land on what Vanessa's referring to.

On one of the higher branches, out of reach of grubby little hands, there's an extra bauble. It's clear and inside there's a little red cushion with a ring resting on it. Vanessa swallows, watching Charity's face as she takes it in.

"I-I wasn't going to do this today, not after everything with Noah," Vanessa says, squeezing Charity's hands. "But then I thought there's probably _never_ an ideal time with us." Charity tears her gaze away from the ring and meets her eyes. "And it's not a big thing. You did all the hard work already by doing the asking. This is just me-" She shrugs. "I dunno. I just want you to have something to look at that reminds you that I love you." She holds up her left hand, displaying her ring. "Even when we were apart, Charity, I couldn't take this off because every time I looked at it, all I could think about was you saying that we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together and I knew, in my heart, that was true."

Charity lets out a sob. It's the first noise she's made since she saw the ring and it seems to surprise her. Vanessa laughs, her own eyes growing watery, but she's determined to get through this. She reaches up and takes the bauble off the tree and twists it so it opens. She picks up the ring and discards the rest, turning back to Charity.

"Now, you'll have to do without the impeccably timed firework display," she says, drawing a rueful smile from Charity as she takes her hand again. "And I'm not going to ask you to marry me, because you're already marrying me." She swallows and rubs her thumb over Charity's knuckles. "But I do want you to wear this ring to remind you that, no matter what's going on in our lives, I love you."

"Ness," Charity whispers, voice thick with emotion. "Of course I will."

Vanessa grins as she slides the ring onto the fourth finger of Charity's left hand. "There." Charity lifts her hand, letting the light catch the platinum band with its solitaire diamond. Vanessa watches her face, suddenly nervous. "D'you like it? We can always go back and-" She's cut off by a kiss, both of Charity's hands are on her face then her back, then her waist, it's like she can't get close enough and Vanessa tries to help by holding her as tightly as she can. They're both a little breathless when the kiss ends, and Charity's eyes are brighter than the diamond.

"Like it?" She laughs through her nose. "Babe, you could've got it out a Christmas cracker and I'd love it. After saying what you did? You could've shoved a Hula Hoop on my finger and I'd have been over the flamin' moon."

Laughing, Vanessa pulls Charity close again and buries her nose in her shoulder; more relieved than she'd like to admit. Charity's got one arm wrapped around her, presumably the other is still being held up so she can look at the ring. A kiss is pressed to her temple, and warm lips brush her ear.

"So, I suppose, after this subtle reminder, that we really should set a date, eh?"

Vanessa lifts her head, mouth open in shock. "Charity! That wasn't what this was about! I wasn't-"

"I know, Ness. I know." Charity shrugs. "But it's been nearly a year." She lifts Vanessa's left hand and rubs her thumb over the ring. "And if this year's taught us anything, it's to not take anything for granted, yeah?" She sighs. "I started off the year sitting by your hospital bed, praying for you to wake up and be okay. And I've ended it doing the same with Noah." She shakes her head, meeting Vanessa's eyes. "And you lost your dad without getting the chance to say goodbye." Vanessa's eyes drop and she blinks back more tears, but Charity hooks a finger under her chin and lifts it back up. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up, but I just-" She closes her eyes. "What I'm saying is that we need to grab onto all the happiness we can get in this life and keep hold with both hands." She smiles. "I want to marry you, and you want to marry me, so what are we waiting for, eh? Like you said, there's never an ideal time to do _anything_ , so let's just go for it. Let's set a date and do it."

When she decided to give Charity a ring, she never dreamed it might prompt this, but it does make sense. They want to be married, so they should get married. She nods and sniffs. "The summer, then. I'd like a summer wedding." She shakes her head. "And no more bridezilla stuff. Whatever we do, all I care about is that by the end of the day, I'm your wife. That's all that matters."

"Sounds doable," Charity says. "And you can be a _bit_ of a bridezilla if you like. I mean, I get it, it's exciting." She rolls her eyes. "You're marrying _me_. And it's your first wedding."

"It's my _only_ wedding," Vanessa corrects her with a playful glare. "And it's _our_ wedding. So it's about us, not me, okay?"

Charity nods, letting her forehead fall against Vanessa's. "Been a bit of a weird Christmas, hasn't it?"

"It has," Vanessa agrees. "But we spent it together, with the kids, and that's what's important. Doesn't matter where we are, as long as we're together."

Charity hums her agreement. "How about next year we aim to be together on a beach somewhere warm, far away from everything and everyone?"

"Sounds like a plan," Vanessa says, letting more of her weight rest against Charity as they sway together.

"As for this Christmas, how about we end it with a bang? Literally." Charity lifts her head and looks at the ceiling, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"So romantic," Vanessa says.

Charity laughs and waltzes her over to the middle of the room, stopping under the sprig of mistletoe Noah had hung for them earlier in the month. "How's this for romantic?" She leans in and brushes a soft kiss over Vanessa's lips. "Merry Christmas, babe."

Vanessa smiles, pulling her in for a longer kiss. "Merry Christmas, Charity."


End file.
